The Shit Bandit, Caught!

Jeff is a 37 year old bathroom porter serving 18 years for 2 counts of First Degree Assault. In prison he has done very little to change his thinking. He’s been down for 10 years and he still cusses out the Correction Officers (C/O), does drugs, tattoos, fights…all that.

One day he’s working. Scrubbing showers. He gets to the third shower and notices that someone shot diarrhea ALL over the white tile.

The second he see’s it, his face frowns. He quickly turns away.

He goes to a C/O. Most of the C/O’s don’t like him. He’s rude and disrespectful. With a hostile attitude, he says he’s NOT cleaning it up.

The C/O contacts the shift Sergeant. The Sergeant says, “Clean it up or you’re fired.”

Ten minutes later, Jeff is wiping smelly do-do off the shower wall.

He’s hot!

Later that day he waits for the C/O to leave the pod. Then he makes an announcement, “Whoever is spraying chunky soup from their anal all over the shower wall, is a no good dirty rotten (BEEP BEEP BEEP)!!! If I catch who’s doing it, I’m gonna smash your face in a toilet!”

The dayroom went silent. Everyone just stared at Jeff. He then walked ten feet to his cell. Went in. And slammed the door.

A few weeks later, someone did it again. But this time, not quite as much. It was only about a baker’s dozen quarter size spackles sprayed in the diameter of one square foot. An easy clean.

But Jeff did not see it that way. He flipped! He marched straight to the Sergeant office and said, “Listen you fat son of a bitch. I know you’re gonna fire me. So screw you! One of your punks (see Prison Glossary) crapped in the shower again.”

The Sergeant stands up as he presses the “panic button” on his radio. He says, “Well this time I’m not having you threaten the whole dayroom.”

Jeff spats, “The rat who told you that is probably the one crapping his pants all over.”

Within seconds, five officers respond to the panic button. They cuff him up and take him to the hole. The reason: Threatening.

Eighteen days later, here come Jeff. Right back to the same ol bunk. The only difference: He now doesn’t have a job.

Fast forward thirteen days. Jeff is sitting in the dayroom playing Pinochle. Someone says, “Look, look, look” as he nods towards Scott.

Scott (a 58 year old Chi Mo) is speed walking to the bathroom in his shorts. Diarrhea is running down his leg. It’s dripping all over the floor. He leaves a trail from his cell to the bathroom. The same bathroom Jeff used to clean.

Jeff follows Scott. Scott goes into the toilet stall and latches it shut. He has no idea Jeff is stalking him.

As Scott rinses off using toilet water, Jeff waits. He can hear him splashing around and flushing.

The second Scott un-latches the stall door, Jeff rushes in. Scott is no match for Jeff. Jeff grabs him by the hair with both hands. Scott screams as Jeff forcefully drives Scott’s face deep into the toilet bowl.

Scott’s arms and legs are flailing all over the place. But to no avail. Jeff firmly has a handle on the situation. Once the bubbles stop, Jeff pulls Scott’s head outta the water. He says, “I told you what I’d do if I caught you.”

Then he plunged Scotts face back into the toilet water. This time the bubbles were bloody. Jeff broke Scott’s nose on the bottom of the toilet bowl.

The second Jeff saw blood, he let go. Then he calmly walked back to the Pinochle table and resumed his game.

Everyone in the dayroom knew something just happened, but they didn’t know what. Then Scott walks out of the bathroom. He’s soaking wet. He’s holding his nose with both hands. He’s hunched over. He looks dazed and confused. The front of his white t-shirt is covered with blood. Then all of a sudden, he collapses.

Everyone in the dayroom is trippin! Someone says to Jeff, “What the f**k did you do to him?”

Jeff nonchalantly replies, “I smashed his head in the toilet…just like I said I’d do.”

The C/O returns to the pod. He see’s Scott on the floor and immediately hits the panic button.

The entire pod is put on lockdown. Medical cones. Off goes Scott on a stretcher. Everyone is looking out their window.

Cops, Sergeant, and counselors are everywhere. They all huddle up for a pow-wow. Then, six of them walk directly to Jeff’s cell. They cuff him up and take him to the hole. Reason: Assault.

Moral of the story: Don’t shit in the shower. If you do…clean it up!


Here is another story that is very similar. It’s a testament to the redundancy of prison life.

The Crapping Bandit Finally Exposed


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