Prison Fights

The Shit Bandit, Caught!

Jeff is a 37 year old bathroom porter serving 18 years for 2 counts of First Degree Assault. In prison he has done very little to change his thinking. He’s been down for 10 years and he still cusses out the Correction Officers (C/O), does drugs, tattoos, fights…all that.

One day he’s working. Scrubbing showers. He gets to the third shower and notices that someone shot diarrhea ALL over the white tile.

The second he see’s it, his face frowns. He quickly turns away.

He goes to a C/O. Most of the C/O’s don’t like him. He’s rude and disrespectful. With a hostile attitude, he says he’s NOT cleaning it up.

The C/O contacts the shift Sergeant. The Sergeant says, “Clean it up or you’re fired.”

Ten minutes later, Jeff is wiping smelly do-do off the shower wall.

He’s hot!

Later that day he waits for the C/O to leave the pod. Then he makes an announcement, “Whoever is spraying chunky soup from their anal all over the shower wall, is a no good dirty rotten (BEEP BEEP BEEP)!!! If I catch who’s doing it, I’m gonna smash your face in a toilet!”

The dayroom went silent. Everyone just stared at Jeff. He then walked ten feet to his cell. Went in. And slammed the door.

A few weeks later, someone did it again. But this time, not quite as much. It was only about a baker’s dozen quarter size spackles sprayed in the diameter of one square foot. An easy clean.

But Jeff did not see it that way. He flipped! He marched straight to the Sergeant office and said, “Listen you fat son of a bitch. I know you’re gonna fire me. So screw you! One of your punks (see Prison Glossary) crapped in the shower again.”

The Sergeant stands up as he presses the “panic button” on his radio. He says, “Well this time I’m not having you threaten the whole dayroom.”

Jeff spats, “The rat who told you that is probably the one crapping his pants all over.”

Within seconds, five officers respond to the panic button. They cuff him up and take him to the hole. The reason: Threatening.

Eighteen days later, here come Jeff. Right back to the same ol bunk. The only difference: He now doesn’t have a job.

Fast forward thirteen days. Jeff is sitting in the dayroom playing Pinochle. Someone says, “Look, look, look” as he nods towards Scott.

Scott (a 58 year old Chi Mo) is speed walking to the bathroom in his shorts. Diarrhea is running down his leg. It’s dripping all over the floor. He leaves a trail from his cell to the bathroom. The same bathroom Jeff used to clean.

Jeff follows Scott. Scott goes into the toilet stall and latches it shut. He has no idea Jeff is stalking him.

As Scott rinses off using toilet water, Jeff waits. He can hear him splashing around and flushing.

The second Scott un-latches the stall door, Jeff rushes in. Scott is no match for Jeff. Jeff grabs him by the hair with both hands. Scott screams as Jeff forcefully drives Scott’s face deep into the toilet bowl.

Scott’s arms and legs are flailing all over the place. But to no avail. Jeff firmly has a handle on the situation. Once the bubbles stop, Jeff pulls Scott’s head outta the water. He says, “I told you what I’d do if I caught you.”

Then he plunged Scotts face back into the toilet water. This time the bubbles were bloody. Jeff broke Scott’s nose on the bottom of the toilet bowl.

The second Jeff saw blood, he let go. Then he calmly walked back to the Pinochle table and resumed his game.

Everyone in the dayroom knew something just happened, but they didn’t know what. Then Scott walks out of the bathroom. He’s soaking wet. He’s holding his nose with both hands. He’s hunched over. He looks dazed and confused. The front of his white t-shirt is covered with blood. Then all of a sudden, he collapses.

Everyone in the dayroom is trippin! Someone says to Jeff, “What the f**k did you do to him?”

Jeff nonchalantly replies, “I smashed his head in the toilet…just like I said I’d do.”

The C/O returns to the pod. He see’s Scott on the floor and immediately hits the panic button.

The entire pod is put on lockdown. Medical cones. Off goes Scott on a stretcher. Everyone is looking out their window.

Cops, Sergeant, and counselors are everywhere. They all huddle up for a pow-wow. Then, six of them walk directly to Jeff’s cell. They cuff him up and take him to the hole. Reason: Assault.

Moral of the story: Don’t shit in the shower. If you do…clean it up!

***

Here is another story that is very similar. It’s a testament to the redundancy of prison life.

The Crapping Bandit Finally Exposed

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DON’T PAY YOUR DEBTS

Gambling is huge in prison. Convicts will bet on anything, such as: professional sports, prison sports, or how long it’ll take before a sex offender gets his ass beat. The most common way to get in debt is playing cards. Specifically: Poker, Spades, or Pinochle. And the most dangerous type of debt is a drug debt. 

Scott is serving 16 years for manufacturing meth. While in prison, he enjoys shooting meth and heroin. He pays for the drugs with the $100 a month he gets from his grandma. Unfortunately, $100 only keeps him high for 2 days. But Scott has a plan. He’ll extend his line of credit and rack up debts.

Before he knows it, he owes $800, and the month is only half over. “Aw what the hell” he thinks, “My sister would send me $100 if I ask.” So Scott goes and gets more drugs.

The drug dealer questions him, “Your in for $900, how are you able to pay so much?”

Scott lies, “I’m getting my income tax return…I have money.” The debt grows.

When it comes time to pay, Scott is way short. He lies and gives drag. He buys more time. He presses his grandma and sister for more money. They’re tired of his shit and cut him off completely. It’s soon evident that Scott can’t pay. It’s soon evident that Scott needs his ass kicked.

One day Scott is walking down the tier when someone grabs him by the hair and yanks him in a cell. The beat down is on! And it’s only the beginning for Scott.

To learn the entire conclusion of Scott’s situation, you’ll have to read “Stone City…Life In The Penitentiary” chapters 7-10.

Moral of the story: Don’t do drugs. Don’t rack up debt. Don’t gamble. Especially while in prison!

 

Steven Jennings

 

Make A Move On Someone’s Prison Bitch

If it ain’t yours, leave it alone. Jealousy is a motherfucker no matter where you’re at.

Back in the mid 90’s there was this punk running around Walla Walla. He went by the name Tiffany.

Tiffany was in a relationship with Shadow. Tiffany is white, Shadow is Mexican. For months the two lived together. Until one day administration broke up the two.

Tiffany got moved into a different cell. Inside his new cell lived Terry. Terry has been in prison for years and has several more to go.

It wasn’t long before Terry was butt-fucking Tiffany and making him suck his dick. Tiffany told Shadow. Shadow was pissed.

Shadow approached Terry out in the yard and said, “Hey man, Tiffany is my bitch. Leave her alone.”

Terry laughed and said, “Her? That punk has a dick bigger than yours.”

Shadow wasn’t laughing. “Just stay away from her, alright?”

Terry’s face got serious, “That punk is in my cell now. I’ll do whatever I want, whenever I want.”

Shadow pointed his finger at Terry’s face and said, “If you touch her one more time, we’re going to war.” Then Shadow walked away.

That night Terry butt-fucked Tiffany for hours. He was extra loud and abusive. Shadow could hear everything through the open bars. Everyone could hear. Everyone knew war was on the horizon.

The next day everyone was in the yard. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. On one side of the yard all the white boys gathered. And on the other side were all the Mexicans.

Shadow walked to the center of the yard as he called out Terry’s name. Terry emerged from the white crowd. The second the two got face to face, it was on and fists were flying. Shadow landed a solid punch, knocking Terry to the ground. As he tried to get to his feet, Shadow kicked him in the face knocking him out.

Shadow then proceeded to stomp on Terry’s head and neck. That’s when all the white boys came rushing in. That’s when all the Mexicans came rushing in. The whites were out numbered 3 to 1 as a massive brawl ensued.

The guards were going crazy up in the gun towers as they yelled “Break it up…get on the ground” through the PA system. The verbal command didn’t work. That’s when canisters of tear gas littered the yard. But the convicts continued to fight.

Gunshots ripped through the air as bullets thumped into the ground. This caused the convicts to scatter and find a place to lay face down. After about 4 minutes of mayhem, the brawl was under control.

Terry was beat the fuck up! The Mexicans easily fended off the white boys while Shadow continued to stomp out Terry.

Moral of the story: Keep your dick in your pants and don’t try to steal someone’s prison bitch.

 

-Steven Jennings

CALL SOMEONE A PUNK

Prison has its own language. The word “punk” doesn’t seem all that bad. But call someone a “punk” in prison and you could be fighting in the blink of an eye. In prison, a punk is a prison bitch, someone who gets fucked in the ass and sucks dick.

Jason is serving 12 years for breaking into homes and selling cocaine. He’s 5’10” and 150 lbs. He has a sharp tongue, he’s witty, and he’s a smart ass.

One day Jason was playing handball out in the yard at Airway Heights Correction Center (AHCC). He was winning just about every game. As he hit a kill shot, he’d yell, “BOOM! Take that motherfucker!” He’d jaw back and forth with the other competitors. Then, as he would win, he’d say, “Get the fuck off the court! NEXT!!!” Well the guy who is next just so happened to be a new guy named Zac. Zac is new to AHCC, not to prison.

As the game starts. Jason takes a quick lead and starts talking shit, “Get the fuck off my court, amateur night is on Broadway.”

Zac responds, “Shut up and serve the ball.”

Jason says, “Tell your bitch to shut up.”

Zac says, “Serve the ball!”

Jason serves a hard shot down the line. It’s an ace. He wins 7-0, and yells, “Get the fuck off my court boy.”

Zac says, “You’re a disrespectful cocksucker.”

Jason says, “Fuck you punk!”

That’s all it took. Zac ran up to Jason, swinging hay makers. Jason managed to avoid most of them. But then Zac landed a solid punch on Jason’s chin. He fell to the ground where Zac proceeded to kick him. Zac was like a wild animal as he mauled Jason all over the handball court. Needless to say, Jason got his ass kicked!

A lot of shit talking can be tolerated between various people. But once someone drops the word “punk” or “bitch”…it’s on!

Moral of the story: Be a nice person and have respect for others. Or at least don’t call someone a punk!