SIT IN THE WRONG SEAT

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Convicts want to control as much as they can. Back in the day (prior to 2004), everyone sat in the same seat at the chow hall. New guys were constantly getting ran off until they found a seat that could be theirs day in & day out. This caused so much drama, that prison officials now enforce assigned seating.

Back in 1992, at the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Walla, there was a new guy that went by the nickname “Cat Piss.” Seriously! He introduced himself as “Cat Piss.” Why? Because he cooked so much meth, and he used so much meth, that he literally smelled like cat piss. It continued to ooze from his pores and scalp, even months after he got locked up.

His first day at the Washington State Penitentiary, Cat Piss sat in the wrong seat. Cat Piss is about 6’4” and 200 lbs.

Matt approached him and said, “This seat is taken. Go ahead and finish your meal, but don’t sit here again.”

Cat Piss just looks at Matt, then continues to eat. Matt dumps his tray and leaves without ever sitting down.

Matt is about 6’ and 190 lbs. He is in prison for robbing and stabbing to death a pill dealer. He got 60 years. When he was 27 years old.

The next day Matt comes to the chow hall to find Cat Piss in his seat again. Matt says, “Hey man, I was nice enough to let you finish your meal yesterday. But today, you need to get the fuck outta my seat.”

Cat Piss stands up and towers over Matt. Matt backs up and re-thinks the situation. Then he says, “Look man, just find another seat. I won’t tell you again.”

Matt dumps his tray and leaves again without eating.

A few hours go by, and its chow time again. And sure enough, Cat Piss is sitting in Matt’s seat. Matt doesn’t say a word. He walks up behind Cat Piss and pulls out a razor sharp 3 inch plexiglass shank. Before Cat Piss can react, Matt has stabbed him in the side three times. Then four five six seven…

Matt has Cat Piss on the ground as he grips his hair with his left hand and drives the shank in & out of Cat Piss’s mid-section. By the time the guards break it up, Cat Piss has been stabbed over 40 times. And that’s how Matt got the nickname “Slash.”

Moral of the story: Don’t come to prison and disrupt the flow of things. Find an empty seat, and get in where you fit in.

 

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CALL SOMEONE A PUNK

Prison has its own language. The word “punk” doesn’t seem all that bad. But call someone a “punk” in prison and you could be fighting in the blink of an eye. In prison, a punk is a prison bitch, someone who gets fucked in the ass and sucks dick.

Jason is serving 12 years for breaking into homes and selling cocaine. He’s 5’10” and 150 lbs. He has a sharp tongue, he’s witty, and he’s a smart ass.

One day Jason was playing handball out in the yard at Airway Heights Correction Center (AHCC). He was winning just about every game. As he hit a kill shot, he’d yell, “BOOM! Take that motherfucker!” He’d jaw back and forth with the other competitors. Then, as he would win, he’d say, “Get the fuck off the court! NEXT!!!” Well the guy who is next just so happened to be a new guy named Zac. Zac is new to AHCC, not to prison.

As the game starts. Jason takes a quick lead and starts talking shit, “Get the fuck off my court, amateur night is on Broadway.”

Zac responds, “Shut up and serve the ball.”

Jason says, “Tell your bitch to shut up.”

Zac says, “Serve the ball!”

Jason serves a hard shot down the line. It’s an ace. He wins 7-0, and yells, “Get the fuck off my court boy.”

Zac says, “You’re a disrespectful cocksucker.”

Jason says, “Fuck you punk!”

That’s all it took. Zac ran up to Jason, swinging hay makers. Jason managed to avoid most of them. But then Zac landed a solid punch on Jason’s chin. He fell to the ground where Zac proceeded to kick him. Zac was like a wild animal as he mauled Jason all over the handball court. Needless to say, Jason got his ass kicked!

A lot of shit talking can be tolerated between various people. But once someone drops the word “punk” or “bitch”…it’s on!

Moral of the story: Be a nice person and have respect for others. Or at least don’t call someone a punk!

Fart In The Chow Hall

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So you wanna break wind while everyone is enjoying a home cooked meal, huh? Alright you son-of-a-bitch, I’ll see you in the yard!

Shane is a 28 year old skinhead from Idaho. He was in Washington State picking up a garbage bag full of hallucinogenic mushrooms (aka: shrooms). Before he could cross back into Idaho, he got pulled over by a state trooper. Book em Dano! He ended up getting 6 years.

Shane is one nasty dude. He loves ripping nasty ass farts. He even eats match heads because he says the sulfer makes his farts smell even worse. At the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Walla, he lives in a 4-man cell. The fart games are constant in that cell. As one guy sleeps, another guy will pull down his pants and place his naked ass inches from his sleeping celly’s face. Then he’ll blow his hair back with a hot stinky gust of ass air. The victim of this practical joke wakes up to the other 3 laughing, and nose full of microscopic shit particles. Later he returns the favor by farting in his hand and rubbing it in his celly’s face.

It’s an ongoing cycle that never ends. So naturally, Shane continues his rude antics outside of his cell too. That includes the chow hall. A place where everyone gathers to eat. And not everyone is fond of the “fart game.” Especially Danner. Danner is an old school convict who’s been in & out of prison since the early 80’s. He’s hardly amused and only has one smile that very few people have ever seen. So when Shane let one rip in the chow hall, Danner reacted.

“Come on you nasty mother fucker, show some god damn respect and clinch your ass cheeks.” Tension instantly filled the shit scented air. Danner wasn’t messing around, and everyone knew it.

Shane attempted to save face, “Oh come on Danner, lighten up. It was only a joke.”

Danner replied with more agitation in his voice, “It wasn’t a fucking joke! Jokes are funny. You farting in the chow hall is not funny. Don’t do it again!”

Shane’s pride was wounded by Danner’s choice words. So rather than talk shit back with his mouth, Shane talked more shit with his ass. He lifted one butt cheek off the seat and pushed as hard as he could. His ass ripped the loudest, longest fart anyone has ever heard in the chow hall. Several guys started laughing. Now Danner’s pride was wounded. Danner stood up and grabbed his tray. He said, “Alright you son-of-a-bitch. I’ll see you in the yard!”

Sure enough, that night Danner beat the shit outta Shane. It wasn’t even a close fight. Danner knocked him out with one punch, then proceeded to kick Shane in the head and face. He stopped only after a warning shot was fired from the gun tower.

Moral of the story: Don’t fart in the chow hall. And if you do, say your sorry.