steven jennings

The Shit Bandit, Caught!

Jeff is a 37 year old bathroom porter serving 18 years for 2 counts of First Degree Assault. In prison he has done very little to change his thinking. He’s been down for 10 years and he still cusses out the Correction Officers (C/O), does drugs, tattoos, fights…all that.

One day he’s working. Scrubbing showers. He gets to the third shower and notices that someone shot diarrhea ALL over the white tile.

The second he see’s it, his face frowns. He quickly turns away.

He goes to a C/O. Most of the C/O’s don’t like him. He’s rude and disrespectful. With a hostile attitude, he says he’s NOT cleaning it up.

The C/O contacts the shift Sergeant. The Sergeant says, “Clean it up or you’re fired.”

Ten minutes later, Jeff is wiping smelly do-do off the shower wall.

He’s hot!

Later that day he waits for the C/O to leave the pod. Then he makes an announcement, “Whoever is spraying chunky soup from their anal all over the shower wall, is a no good dirty rotten (BEEP BEEP BEEP)!!! If I catch who’s doing it, I’m gonna smash your face in a toilet!”

The dayroom went silent. Everyone just stared at Jeff. He then walked ten feet to his cell. Went in. And slammed the door.

A few weeks later, someone did it again. But this time, not quite as much. It was only about a baker’s dozen quarter size spackles sprayed in the diameter of one square foot. An easy clean.

But Jeff did not see it that way. He flipped! He marched straight to the Sergeant office and said, “Listen you fat son of a bitch. I know you’re gonna fire me. So screw you! One of your punks (see Prison Glossary) crapped in the shower again.”

The Sergeant stands up as he presses the “panic button” on his radio. He says, “Well this time I’m not having you threaten the whole dayroom.”

Jeff spats, “The rat who told you that is probably the one crapping his pants all over.”

Within seconds, five officers respond to the panic button. They cuff him up and take him to the hole. The reason: Threatening.

Eighteen days later, here come Jeff. Right back to the same ol bunk. The only difference: He now doesn’t have a job.

Fast forward thirteen days. Jeff is sitting in the dayroom playing Pinochle. Someone says, “Look, look, look” as he nods towards Scott.

Scott (a 58 year old Chi Mo) is speed walking to the bathroom in his shorts. Diarrhea is running down his leg. It’s dripping all over the floor. He leaves a trail from his cell to the bathroom. The same bathroom Jeff used to clean.

Jeff follows Scott. Scott goes into the toilet stall and latches it shut. He has no idea Jeff is stalking him.

As Scott rinses off using toilet water, Jeff waits. He can hear him splashing around and flushing.

The second Scott un-latches the stall door, Jeff rushes in. Scott is no match for Jeff. Jeff grabs him by the hair with both hands. Scott screams as Jeff forcefully drives Scott’s face deep into the toilet bowl.

Scott’s arms and legs are flailing all over the place. But to no avail. Jeff firmly has a handle on the situation. Once the bubbles stop, Jeff pulls Scott’s head outta the water. He says, “I told you what I’d do if I caught you.”

Then he plunged Scotts face back into the toilet water. This time the bubbles were bloody. Jeff broke Scott’s nose on the bottom of the toilet bowl.

The second Jeff saw blood, he let go. Then he calmly walked back to the Pinochle table and resumed his game.

Everyone in the dayroom knew something just happened, but they didn’t know what. Then Scott walks out of the bathroom. He’s soaking wet. He’s holding his nose with both hands. He’s hunched over. He looks dazed and confused. The front of his white t-shirt is covered with blood. Then all of a sudden, he collapses.

Everyone in the dayroom is trippin! Someone says to Jeff, “What the f**k did you do to him?”

Jeff nonchalantly replies, “I smashed his head in the toilet…just like I said I’d do.”

The C/O returns to the pod. He see’s Scott on the floor and immediately hits the panic button.

The entire pod is put on lockdown. Medical cones. Off goes Scott on a stretcher. Everyone is looking out their window.

Cops, Sergeant, and counselors are everywhere. They all huddle up for a pow-wow. Then, six of them walk directly to Jeff’s cell. They cuff him up and take him to the hole. Reason: Assault.

Moral of the story: Don’t shit in the shower. If you do…clean it up!

***

Here is another story that is very similar. It’s a testament to the redundancy of prison life.

The Crapping Bandit Finally Exposed

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DON’T PAY YOUR DEBTS

Gambling is huge in prison. Convicts will bet on anything, such as: professional sports, prison sports, or how long it’ll take before a sex offender gets his ass beat. The most common way to get in debt is playing cards. Specifically: Poker, Spades, or Pinochle. And the most dangerous type of debt is a drug debt. 

Scott is serving 16 years for manufacturing meth. While in prison, he enjoys shooting meth and heroin. He pays for the drugs with the $100 a month he gets from his grandma. Unfortunately, $100 only keeps him high for 2 days. But Scott has a plan. He’ll extend his line of credit and rack up debts.

Before he knows it, he owes $800, and the month is only half over. “Aw what the hell” he thinks, “My sister would send me $100 if I ask.” So Scott goes and gets more drugs.

The drug dealer questions him, “Your in for $900, how are you able to pay so much?”

Scott lies, “I’m getting my income tax return…I have money.” The debt grows.

When it comes time to pay, Scott is way short. He lies and gives drag. He buys more time. He presses his grandma and sister for more money. They’re tired of his shit and cut him off completely. It’s soon evident that Scott can’t pay. It’s soon evident that Scott needs his ass kicked.

One day Scott is walking down the tier when someone grabs him by the hair and yanks him in a cell. The beat down is on! And it’s only the beginning for Scott.

To learn the entire conclusion of Scott’s situation, you’ll have to read “Stone City…Life In The Penitentiary” chapters 7-10.

Moral of the story: Don’t do drugs. Don’t rack up debt. Don’t gamble. Especially while in prison!

 

Steven Jennings

 

BEING TOO LOUD IN THE MORNING

Some people just wake up in a bad mood. Especially in prison. So if your celly is a violent felon, you better beware of the things that’ll set him off.

As Tommy wakes up to a new day, he sits up in his bunk. He stretch’s out his arms and yawns. The yawn turns into a moan. The moan turns into a growl.

Then all of a sudden Tommy hears, “Jesus fucking Christ! Are you serious!? Every god damn morning I have to wake up to that bullshit1?” That was Tommy’s celly. His name is Jerry. I shit you not. Tom and Jerry are cellies.

Tom is a sawed off heavy weight who stands 5’7” and weighs 260 lbs. He’s stocky muscle with a decent layer of fat, but by no means is he fat. Jerry stands about 6’1” and weighs 165 lbs. And he has a smart ass mouth.

So Tommy jumps down from his bunk and with one continuous motion he rips Jerry outta his bunk. As Jerry hits the floor, Tommy pins him against the wall then drops both knees on his chest and stomach. The impact knocks the wind outta Jerry. Tommy presses his face against Jerry’s face and asks, “Would you rather I wake you up to this instead?”

Jerry was still trying to catch his breath as he lay flat on his back. Tommy stood up and placed his foot on Jerry’s neck. Then Tommy said, “Listen you stupid mother fucker, I know your in prison for rape. You like to victimize women, huh? And now you’re starting to cuss at me!? I don’t think so!”

Jerry grips Tommy’s foot with both hands to relieve some of the pressure. He struggles a bit, then grunts out the words, “Let me up!”

Tommy presses hard on his neck…”Shut up you bitch!”

It’s still early. Tommy is in his boxers and he has to piss like a race horse. He pulls out his penis and pisses all over Jerry’s face. He screams as the piss burns his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up you rapist before I stomp your face in.”

Jerry is weak and in a haze due to a lack of blood flow to his brain. He’s on the verge of passing out. That’s when Tommy reaches over onto Tommy’s bunk and pulls his blankets onto the piss soaked floor.

Tommy barks, “Clean yourself up…and wipe up the floor too…boy!”

Jerry slowly rises to his feet as he wipes the floor. The second Tommy turns his back, Jerry rushes him. Jerry side steps him as he smashes his elbow onto Jerry’s face. He falls to the ground, knocked out cold. The impact cracks open his head. Blood flows and mixes with the piss. Tommy gets nauseous and passes out. As he falls to the floor, his face lands in the area of Jerry’s cock and balls.

Just then a guard walks by. It looks bad. It is bad.

They both go to the hole. Two days later Tommy gets an infraction. It says he knocked out Jerry with sexual intent. Tommy is found guilty of this bogus infraction. He spends 16 months in the hole.

After that 16 months, Tommy is released to general population. They put him in a cell with a homosexual named Frank. The very first thing Frank says to Tommy is, “You don’t have to knock me out to suck this.” Then Frank pulls out his cock. Tommy snaps! He kicks Frank square in the nuts so hard that they both rupture. Frank is rushed to the ER. Tommy goes back to the hole. This time for 32 months!

Moral of the story: Just be kind to people. The law of attraction is one that will not error.

LOOK AT SOMEONE’S VISITOR

Keep your eyes on your own. If you get caught looking at someone’s visitor, whether it’s their mom, sister, grandma, wife, girlfriend, whoever, and you could end up looking at some boots upside your face back in the cell block.

Bruce is a nice young fellow serving 14 years for second degree murder. All through his school years he played sports and had lots of friends.

One night he went to a party with friends. This was a high school party, so everyone there ranged from 15-18 years old. Bruce was 17. The party was going good, everyone was laughing and having fun. Then it happened. Eight football players from the rival high school walked in. They were loud, rude, and disrespectful. When asked to leave, they refused.

Push come to shove and a brawl broke out. Most people ran. Within seconds, Bruce and his six buddies were getting man handled by the bullies. Bruce panicked. He ran to the kitchen and grabbed a random kitchen knife. He had no intention of using the knife. He just wanted to break up the brawl and persuade the bullies to leave. It didn’t work out. One of the bullies attacked Bruce. Bruce stabbed him. The stab wound was fatal.

Two years into a 14 year sentence, Bruce was enjoying a nice visit from his mom and sister. As the conversation flowed and the mood was light, his sister leaned in close and said, “That creepy guy keeps looking at me.”

Bruce turned his head and saw exactly who she was talking about. It was 37 year old Ray Ray. A known sex offender. Bruce turned his chair, then pointed his finger directly at Ray Ray and said, “That guy right there? That’s the guy who can’t keep his fucking eyes off my sister!” From that point forward, Bruce kept Ray Ray in his sight. The mood shifted. Tension could be felt. Bruce was pissed!

After the visit, Bruce confronted Ray Ray.

“Why were you staring at my sister!” he demanded!

“I wasn’t.”

“I saw you. Don’t fucking lie to me.”

“I’m not lying. I wasn’t looking at her.”

Bruce snapped! Talk time was over. Bruce kicked Ray Ray in the nuts without warning. Hard! As Ray Ray bent over in pain, Bruce grabbed him by the hair and kneed him in the face 3 times. Ray Ray fell to the floor. Bruce stomped on his face twice, then said, “Don’t you ever look at my sister again you piece of shit rapist.”

Moral of the story: It doesn’t matter what you’re in prison for. Don’t look at other peoples visitors. Period!

SIT IN THE WRONG SEAT

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Convicts want to control as much as they can. Back in the day (prior to 2004), everyone sat in the same seat at the chow hall. New guys were constantly getting ran off until they found a seat that could be theirs day in & day out. This caused so much drama, that prison officials now enforce assigned seating.

Back in 1992, at the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Walla, there was a new guy that went by the nickname “Cat Piss.” Seriously! He introduced himself as “Cat Piss.” Why? Because he cooked so much meth, and he used so much meth, that he literally smelled like cat piss. It continued to ooze from his pores and scalp, even months after he got locked up.

His first day at the Washington State Penitentiary, Cat Piss sat in the wrong seat. Cat Piss is about 6’4” and 200 lbs.

Matt approached him and said, “This seat is taken. Go ahead and finish your meal, but don’t sit here again.”

Cat Piss just looks at Matt, then continues to eat. Matt dumps his tray and leaves without ever sitting down.

Matt is about 6’ and 190 lbs. He is in prison for robbing and stabbing to death a pill dealer. He got 60 years. When he was 27 years old.

The next day Matt comes to the chow hall to find Cat Piss in his seat again. Matt says, “Hey man, I was nice enough to let you finish your meal yesterday. But today, you need to get the fuck outta my seat.”

Cat Piss stands up and towers over Matt. Matt backs up and re-thinks the situation. Then he says, “Look man, just find another seat. I won’t tell you again.”

Matt dumps his tray and leaves again without eating.

A few hours go by, and its chow time again. And sure enough, Cat Piss is sitting in Matt’s seat. Matt doesn’t say a word. He walks up behind Cat Piss and pulls out a razor sharp 3 inch plexiglass shank. Before Cat Piss can react, Matt has stabbed him in the side three times. Then four five six seven…

Matt has Cat Piss on the ground as he grips his hair with his left hand and drives the shank in & out of Cat Piss’s mid-section. By the time the guards break it up, Cat Piss has been stabbed over 40 times. And that’s how Matt got the nickname “Slash.”

Moral of the story: Don’t come to prison and disrupt the flow of things. Find an empty seat, and get in where you fit in.

 

CALL SOMEONE A PUNK

Prison has its own language. The word “punk” doesn’t seem all that bad. But call someone a “punk” in prison and you could be fighting in the blink of an eye. In prison, a punk is a prison bitch, someone who gets fucked in the ass and sucks dick.

Jason is serving 12 years for breaking into homes and selling cocaine. He’s 5’10” and 150 lbs. He has a sharp tongue, he’s witty, and he’s a smart ass.

One day Jason was playing handball out in the yard at Airway Heights Correction Center (AHCC). He was winning just about every game. As he hit a kill shot, he’d yell, “BOOM! Take that motherfucker!” He’d jaw back and forth with the other competitors. Then, as he would win, he’d say, “Get the fuck off the court! NEXT!!!” Well the guy who is next just so happened to be a new guy named Zac. Zac is new to AHCC, not to prison.

As the game starts. Jason takes a quick lead and starts talking shit, “Get the fuck off my court, amateur night is on Broadway.”

Zac responds, “Shut up and serve the ball.”

Jason says, “Tell your bitch to shut up.”

Zac says, “Serve the ball!”

Jason serves a hard shot down the line. It’s an ace. He wins 7-0, and yells, “Get the fuck off my court boy.”

Zac says, “You’re a disrespectful cocksucker.”

Jason says, “Fuck you punk!”

That’s all it took. Zac ran up to Jason, swinging hay makers. Jason managed to avoid most of them. But then Zac landed a solid punch on Jason’s chin. He fell to the ground where Zac proceeded to kick him. Zac was like a wild animal as he mauled Jason all over the handball court. Needless to say, Jason got his ass kicked!

A lot of shit talking can be tolerated between various people. But once someone drops the word “punk” or “bitch”…it’s on!

Moral of the story: Be a nice person and have respect for others. Or at least don’t call someone a punk!

Fart In The Chow Hall

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So you wanna break wind while everyone is enjoying a home cooked meal, huh? Alright you son-of-a-bitch, I’ll see you in the yard!

Shane is a 28 year old skinhead from Idaho. He was in Washington State picking up a garbage bag full of hallucinogenic mushrooms (aka: shrooms). Before he could cross back into Idaho, he got pulled over by a state trooper. Book em Dano! He ended up getting 6 years.

Shane is one nasty dude. He loves ripping nasty ass farts. He even eats match heads because he says the sulfer makes his farts smell even worse. At the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Walla, he lives in a 4-man cell. The fart games are constant in that cell. As one guy sleeps, another guy will pull down his pants and place his naked ass inches from his sleeping celly’s face. Then he’ll blow his hair back with a hot stinky gust of ass air. The victim of this practical joke wakes up to the other 3 laughing, and nose full of microscopic shit particles. Later he returns the favor by farting in his hand and rubbing it in his celly’s face.

It’s an ongoing cycle that never ends. So naturally, Shane continues his rude antics outside of his cell too. That includes the chow hall. A place where everyone gathers to eat. And not everyone is fond of the “fart game.” Especially Danner. Danner is an old school convict who’s been in & out of prison since the early 80’s. He’s hardly amused and only has one smile that very few people have ever seen. So when Shane let one rip in the chow hall, Danner reacted.

“Come on you nasty mother fucker, show some god damn respect and clinch your ass cheeks.” Tension instantly filled the shit scented air. Danner wasn’t messing around, and everyone knew it.

Shane attempted to save face, “Oh come on Danner, lighten up. It was only a joke.”

Danner replied with more agitation in his voice, “It wasn’t a fucking joke! Jokes are funny. You farting in the chow hall is not funny. Don’t do it again!”

Shane’s pride was wounded by Danner’s choice words. So rather than talk shit back with his mouth, Shane talked more shit with his ass. He lifted one butt cheek off the seat and pushed as hard as he could. His ass ripped the loudest, longest fart anyone has ever heard in the chow hall. Several guys started laughing. Now Danner’s pride was wounded. Danner stood up and grabbed his tray. He said, “Alright you son-of-a-bitch. I’ll see you in the yard!”

Sure enough, that night Danner beat the shit outta Shane. It wasn’t even a close fight. Danner knocked him out with one punch, then proceeded to kick Shane in the head and face. He stopped only after a warning shot was fired from the gun tower.

Moral of the story: Don’t fart in the chow hall. And if you do, say your sorry.